So Who Would You Rather Do?
by Onimiman
Summary: Jacen Solo, Onimi, and Nom Anor from The New Jedi Order series, or at least alternate reality versions of them, discuss who they'd wanna have sex with. This is my dedication story to Jedi-lover.


"Damn, it's good to eat some quality food again," Jacen said with roasted bantha meat being chewed in his mouth.

Onimi and Nom Anor, who were also enjoying the food that the three of them successfully raided from the upper levels of Coruscant, couldn't help but nod as they all enjoyed their sustenance sitting against their favorite wall of the building behind them.

After Onimi swallowed a chunk of his food, he said, "Okay, so, out of curiosity, and neither of you have to answer if you don't want to, but if you could do any woman in the galaxy, who would you do?"

"Honestly?" Nom Anor asked.

Onimi nodded.

Nom Anor took another bite from his steak and a few moments later, after he swallowed the chunk, he said, "I think I'd probably have sex with Mezhan Kwaad."

"That bitch who Shamed Vua Rapuung because he wouldn't give her his dick?" Onimi asked.

"Yep," Nom Anor nodded before taking another bite.

Onimi nodded along. "Not a bad choice. She ain't bad-looking."

"And she was also an atheist like me," Nom Anor said. "You know, back when being an atheist among our kind was cause for execution."

"Kindred spirits and all?" Onimi inquired.

Nom Anor cocked his head. "Pretty much."

"Got it," Onimi said. He turned to Jacen. "How 'bout you, man?"

"You know me, guys," Jacen said. "If it ain't Danni Quee, it'd be Tenel Ka Djo."

"I'd fuck 'em, too," Onimi said. "Humans are actually quite attractive to me now."

"You've grown a taste for us since you, Nommy, and I all began having our marijuana-induced threesomes, right?" Jacen asked.

"How could I not?" Onimi asked.

"Good point," Jacen said. "Say, Nommy, which _human_ chick would you go for?"

"Your mother," Nom Anor said very quickly.

Jacen narrowed his eyes at him. "What did you just say?"

"I would do your mother, Jacen."

"What?"

"She's kinda hot to me."

Jacen opened his mouth, but no words came out. "Can we pretend you did not just say that, and I didn't ask that?"

"Why not?" Nom Anor retorted.

"Good," Jacen said.

"Can I tell you who I'd do, Jacen?" Onimi asked.

"Do I really wanna know?"

"It's not your mother, if you're wondering."

"Why would I think you'd wanna do my mother?"

Onimi looked at the human in confusion before he nodded his understanding. "Oh, right, the whole pretending Nommy didn't just say that bit. Right. Got it. Well, anyway, I'd probably do Wynssa Starflare."

Jacen chuckled. "That's actually the mother of my sister's husband in this reality."

"Really? She still hot at this age?"

"Last I checked years ago, she was. It's amazing what Chiss medical research can do to slow down the aging process."

"I bet she'd still be fuckable today," Onimi said.

"And just as unlikely for you to fuck, as well," Jacen said.

"Why do you have to ruin my fantasies, hermano?"

"Why should I not?"

"Touche. I'd also do your sister, by the way."

Jacen looked at Onimi. "Anyone else you'd wanna fuck?"

"I'd be interested to get inside your aunt," Onimi said.

"Ya done?" Jacen asked.

Onimi looked up to the sky in contemplation for a moment before looking back down at Jacen. "Yeah, I think I am."

"Anyway, Onimi, I already know you'd wanna fuck Nen Yim," Nom Anor said, "so, Jacen-"

"Didn't you kill her back in your reality by bashing her head in with a rock?" Onimi interrupted.

"What does that matter?" Nom Anor asked.

"Again, touche."

"Anyway, Jacen," Nom Anor said, "are there any Yuuzhan Vong _women_ you would like to engage in sexual intercourse with?"

"There was this one I met during my journey across the galaxy back in my home reality," Jacen said. "She called herself Vongerella, and she had the Force, just like you, Onimi, only without the whole deformity thing. She was steeped in the dark side of the Force, but I managed to kill her before she caused any real trouble. She was kinda hot, though, so I'd probably have done her."

"Vongerella?" Onimi asked. "What Yuuzhan Vong woman would be stupid enough to call herself tha-" He trailed off. "Wait, you said _she_, right?"

Jacen nodded. "Yeah, why?"

"Dude, that was my girlfriend!" Onimi exclaimed. "In an alternate reality version, anyway! When I got the Force and deformed myself, she managed to perfect it on herself and not get ugly!"

"Really?" Jacen asked. "So what happened between you two?"

"Well, she decided to leave the Yuuzhan Vong before we even entered the galaxy to invade," Onimi said. "Who knew she would make it to the galaxy on her own?"

Jacen shrugged. "Well, you wanna have sex with my sister, I wanna have sex with your girlfriend. I guess it's balanced."

"What about No-" Onimi was cut off when Nom Anor bumped him in the shoulder, gaining his attention. "Oh, right," Onimi said after one look from the other Yuuzhan Vong.

The three of them then resumed eating in silence for a while before Onimi said, "Oh, by the way, I'd like to add that I'd like to do Abeloth."

"Why?" Jacen asked.

"Bitch wants to kill everything and rule the galaxy," Onimi said. "I can relate."

"She's ugly as hell, you know," Jacen said.

"And I'm not?" Onimi countered. "When I have a mug like this, I gotta take what I can get, bro."

"At least you're not picky," Jacen said.

"Well, she is also something pretty close to a god, you know," Onimi said. "Something I wanted to be, too. So it's not like I'm _not_ being picky here."

"Look, man, even if you did have some way to get with her, man, you'd wanna stay the fuck away from her," Jacen said. "She'll literally consume you and make you into an avatar of her."

"Is it weird to say I actually find that kinda hot?" Onimi asked.

Jacen was silent for a moment before he shook his head. "No."


End file.
